I thought I was managing burnout well. I was wrong ⚠️

and all I needed was a panic attack on the side of the highway to realize it but really it gave me a lesson on capacity that I really desperately needed so let's dive in

This is a free preview paid content on That Mom. That Mom is a paid community for mothers who are done waiting to enjoy their lives. For $8/month, you get every essay, guide, and reflection — plus a room full of women who get it. No sponsors. No noise. No guilt.

source Pinterest

well hello there my friends. it has been awhiiiilleee.

I have to tell you that after having two Substack posts go a teensy bit viral (this post on time and this post on quitting) I have had major imposter syndrome and writer’s block. like what could I possibly write again that people would like as much as those two bangers you all loved so much?! it’s a lot of pressure but I’m realizing that it’s kind of made up pressure in my own mind versus actual real pressure from you guys.

so I'm done overthinking it. let's talk about everything!!!

I had a panic attack while driving on the highway two weeks ago. I had to pull over on a very narrow shoulder on the highway and call 911 because I for real felt like I was having a heart attack. it was my first panic attack ever. I’ve had an anxiety attack before and obviously I wrote about it here but that was very different to this.

(sidenote: can I just tell you that as I am trying to write this my 7 year old daughter is screaming at Alexa and it’s so distracting but hey we are still doing the thing!! 🫠)

when I tell you that one moment I was fine. like, singing to Noah Kahan, enjoying my alone time in the car because it really is a comfort, happy place for me, and the next I felt like I was dying - I’m not exaggerating. my body put a total override on my entire system. no slow breathing or repeating mantras could calm the override. the most terrifying part was feeling like I might pass out while driving. and then while I was on with 911 I felt like I might pass out before I could tell the operator where I was. the shoulder was so narrow it really wasn’t the safest place to be pulled over. and I think there is an additional heavy layer on situations like this when you’re a mother. it’s not just your life on the line, it’s three little kids lives on the line too.

UGH. heavy, heavy energy. and I was carrying it all for way too long. a tale as old as time and definitely not an original story of a mother carrying too much she spontaneously combusts.

which is ironic because just a week before that I sent a reel to a friend who also carries way too much on her own.

and then I did quite literally feel like I was about to spontaneously combust and collapse. and yes, you might be correctly reading my sarcasm and jokes in my tone because that’s how I deal with tough stuff - I’ve gotta make my self deprecating jokes okay or I won’t make it lol

I promise I know how serious it is and I am in fact taking it very seriously but because I’m me I’m also gonna mAkE iT fUn, okay?

the thing that freaked me out the most about the panic attack is that my physical body completely overrode my mental state. I’ve done so much therapy, yoga, meditation and breath work and none of it was working. my body was saying ENOUGH and I truly felt like I may pass out while driving. it was scary and it absolutely fried my already very fragile nervous system.

here’s the thing about burnout that I don’t think gets talked about enough. (coming from someone who felt like I managed burnout and thought I was actively avoiding it pretty well - joke’s on me) because burnout sounds like something that happens maybe over a few weeks or months. but for me this type of burnout has been a thousand little things over a period of years. it wasn’t sudden, it was the subtle compounding of teeny tiny grains of sand over a long period of time and that day, the stress of potentially buy a new house was the straw that broke the camel’s back. even though it felt more exciting than stressful to be honest?

but it kind of felt like a scene from an old Looney Tunes cartoon. you know the scene where a character is about to fall into a deep valley and they have their arms and legs stretched so wide keeping themselves from falling into the abyss and then along comes a teeny tiny feather that lands on their head and that’s what does them in? well my feather in this case was house hunting on top of barely keeping it all together.

here’s my own hypothesis on why it happened. I am burnt out from 24//7 caregiving over the last 7.5 years. and in particular over the last six months I have been living far too much in my head than living in my own body. there has been a huge disconnect plus the burn out and it was just more than my physical body could carry for a moment longer.

and I gotta tell you I’m not surprised it happened. I’m not really that freaked out. it was a big “well, duh” moment for me. but at the same time, I am so capable and I am so strong and resilient that I knew I was doing too much but I figured I could handle it just like I handle every other day of doing too much, ya know?

and to dissect this even further, one thing that has felt so confusing to me lately is like “this time last year, I had more kids home with me and I was doing so much more so why does it feel harder now?” and after my panic attack the answer is so clear. capacity is relative. capacity also isn’t about what you’re doing or taking on it’s really more about are you taking on more than you have fuel for?

because some seasons of life you have a ton of fuel and you can use it. and that was me last year. but I am truly running on fumes when it comes to caretaking small children. I have been doing too much of it on my own for too long and now I’m on empty.

and now I can’t exactly get rid of one kid to use my fuel more efficiently LOL (that was a joke, I am obsessed with all three of them.) but what I can do is create more fuel for me.

so that’s the assignment this summer!!! not a wellness overhaul. not a beach body intensive workout schedule. (I’m actually doing the opposite and pulling back on my normal exercise routine!) just getting back into my body in the smallest, most enjoyable ways I can find — sun on my face, breathing on purpose, taking my sweet time with my skincare like it’s a ritual and not a race, getting dressed for fun instead of function.

I’m going to document all of it here in a little summer series. think of it less as advice and more as boots on the ground journalism from a mom learning to live below her capacity for once.

my body sent me a very dramatic memo on that highway and this body really needs to chill. more soon, I promise!!!

p.s. if you loved this one you might also love…