WTF is a Regulated Nervous System

And do I have to sell an organ on the black market to get one? (Spoiler alert: you don't. You just have to read this post!)

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I’m going to be so honest with you. I’m absolutely so sick of hearing about regulated nervous systems. You’re telling me that while being with a 3.5 year old (also known as psychological terrorists) all day everyday who gets mad that the toast she asked for is toasted–I’m supposed to be calm as a cucumber, validating her every irrational emotion?

If you say yes then I know you aren’t a parent. Or at least you haven’t been a parent to a 3 year old yet. (You’re getting no bullshit Casey today so saddle up!)

I recently got in a rather heated conversation about this in the comments of an Instagram post (whoops lol). Someone had shared one of those "regulated moms raise regulated kids" graphics, and I commented something like "easy to say when you're not being screamed at about toast. Gentle parenting is for gentle kids." The responses I got made it clear that I wasn't the only one feeling like I was failing at this whole nervous system thing—but also that maybe we were all misunderstanding what "regulation" actually means.

But really, let’s talk about it because I discovered that I had completely misunderstood what it meant to have a “regulated nervous system” and maybe I’ve got some ideas wrong about gentle parenting. I still disagree with some parts of gentle parenting but that’s the beauty of parenting–we get to make our own decisions about what we feel is best for our kids.

And just as a remember, I try to keep the parenting advice here at a minimum so I won’t say more than gentle parenting just isn’t for our family. But let’s breakdown what it actually means for moms to have a regulated nervous– if that’s even truly possible in our chaotic conditions.

The Myth vs. Reality of "Regulated Nervous Systems" for Moms

Besides what I learned in my college anatomy class (that I failed lol) and my two decades of being a surgical intern via binging Grey’s Anatomy episodes, I’m right here learning along with you on this regulating your nervous system business.

So before I actually sit down to do the research, let me tell you what the internet makes me feel like it means. The Big Little Feelings and Dr. Becky’s of the parenting social media sphere make it seem like to me, having a regulated nervous system/regulating your emotions means you rarely (better yet, never!) are reactive to your kids or stress, you rarely run of patience, you can stuff down the feels of rage your kids spark in you and you definitely never yell at your kids. You never “let your storm get your kids wet” as they say. (This quote makes me so angry ironically making me want to storm all over everyone in my path, by the way.)

But after that Instagram debacle, I realized I needed to actually understand what's happening in our bodies when we're "dysregulated"—because maybe the problem isn't that we're broken, but that we're expecting the impossible. Let's start with the science—but make it non-boring.

Let’s start with the science—but make it non-boring. Your nervous system is the thing in your body that decides whether you’re safe or not. When it senses danger, it kicks into survival mode: fight, flight, or freeze. This is great when you’re being chased by a bear. Less helpful when the “danger” is your toddler screaming because you cut the banana in half since they never eat the whole one but they will only eat it if it’s “peeled like a monkey”.

Here’s what’s wildly unfortunate for us mom,s out here: your brain doesn’t know the difference between bear attack and irrational toddler behaviors. The stress response is the same. Your heart races, your muscles tense, your vision narrows. You snap, you shut down, you yell even though you swore you wouldn’t. Your body is literally reacting like you're under attack—because in a way, you kind of are. Toddlers are psychological terrorists after all. 🆘

And it’s not just toast or banana tantrums. As parents—especially stay-at-home ones—our nervous systems are basically always on high alert.

Research from UCLA found that stay-at-home parents show higher cortisol levels throughout the day compared to parents working outside the home. And a 2019 study measuring physiological stress markers found that full-time parenting ranked more physically demanding than 95% of other occupations—with only combat roles and emergency responders scoring higher.

So it’s no wonder we sometimes feel like we’re constantly on edge. We’re living in a constant state of low-level (sometimes high, hello baby led weaning and all those gagging noises!) threat. Someone’s always touching us. Someone’s always shouting or crying. There are so many decisions and needs and messes and fights and goldfish crumbs and no breaks. Our systems never get a chance to truly reset.

And here's the kicker: regulation is not the same as suppression. Suppression is when you hold it all in until you explode in a whisper-scream about why there are so many socks but none of them match.

Regulation is when you notice the rising heat and find a way to cool it—without burning everyone down with you. It’s not white-knuckling your way through the day. It’s noticing your body’s “code red” alert and finding a way back to green.

It’s not easy. But understanding what’s happening under the surface helps take the shame out of it. You’re not “bad at staying calm.” You’re just a human with a nervous system doing a job designed for an entire village. But if you’re like me, you’re doing it all alone for hours and hours a day.

Why It’s So Damn Hard for Moms

Here’s the part we don’t talk about enough: regulating yourself as a parent is so hard—and for good reason. It’s not just because you're tired or overstimulated (though, hi, yes, that too). It’s because many of us are carrying our own unprocessed stuff.

Our kids hit a nerve, and it’s not just today’s stress reacting—it’s everything we’ve stored that hasn’t been seen or soothed. The rage, the shutdown, the overwhelming anxiety? Those are nervous system responses that were wired long before our kids showed up. And if we didn’t have a parent who could be that calm, consistent “extended nervous system” for us, we’re basically trying to build the blueprint from scratch while deep in the trenches of parenting toddlers–an unfair load for anyone.

So, no wonder we lose it. No wonder we feel shame and guilt after the emotional eruption that can happen because we’re human.

Regulating yourself as a parent isn’t a quick deep breath and a mindset shift. Sometimes you need a full-on nervous system renovation—but how can you do that surrounded by tiny hands asking you for snacks every three to five minutes?

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The rest of this post includes specific examples of what nervous system regulation looks like in real mom life, plus my tested strategies for supporting your nervous system without spending money or finding mythical free time. Upgrade to paid to continue reading.

Specifically, if you upgrade to paid right now, you’ll get:

• Real examples of what nervous system regulation actually looks like when your toddler throws a block at your head (spoiler: it's not staying zen)

• Free strategies that work in real mom life—no $200 supplements or forest bathing required

• The Nervous System Regulation Menu—my time-based guide to calming down whether you have 1 minute hiding in the pantry or a miraculous 10-minute window

• Permission to be human while still working on your regulation (this might be the most important part)